Inside of Rie

I am not writing any reviews today.

Lately, I have been working on essays for graduate school admission. I am applying for masters in psychology counseling. I am hoping to become a marriage and family therapist.

One of the topic that I am working on is "Discuss how relationship with your parents affected your personality development". Oh, boy, this really opened up a can of warms inside of me. My mother and I had a rather difficult relationship. Just so that you know, I understand nobody has "perfect" parents or relationship.

My mother decided that she did not want to take on parent role after she was divorced from my father when I was 7. She made clear to me that I must take care of myself while she worked as a nurse day and night to make ends meet. I understood our situation and took care of myself. But I was so lonely. I did not have anyone to talk to at home. I used to come home to an empty house. At night time, I was really afraid of darkness so I kept lights on when I went to sleep. To keep the noise in the house, I kept TV on as much as I can. But one day my mother became upset that our house was mess and she disconnected the TV to punish me. So the house became super quiet at night time after that. I craved for attention, good or bad, so much, I used to make up small lies at school. I never learned how to communicate properly and had hard time connecting with other kids. After a while, I just stop even try to make friends. I put on a "I don't care" face to protect myself from feeling hurt or humiliated. As a consequence, I grew up with very little self-confidence with lots of ego to cover it up.

Great thing happened when I was 17; moving to U.S.. This is where my real journey started. I lived with my wonderful wonderful host family which consists of Mike, the dad, Mary, the mom, Mindy, the 7 year old daughter, Matt, the 5 year old son. They took me in like a real family member. Mike and Mary were constantly involved with my school and social activities. This was new to me and felt good to have them!! I absorbed all the love and care they provided. They also showed me other important aspects of living: structured lifestyle, parents responsibility, adults responsibility, clean living environment, etc.

Anyway, I can tell you that Mike and Mary had a lot to do with making me the way I am now. I am independent, compassionate, driven, loving, trusting and passionate. Time to time, my low-self esteem comes up to surface and I must remind myself that those days are over and I love and am being loved by people around me. I am still fragile; people's mean words can easily hurt me. But, again, I try to resolve by thinking how unimportant those words are.

I chose not to live in the past, although now and then I have my moments. Because of my past, I appreciate what I have now so much more than anyone can imagine. ( or maybe you can ) Especially my cockroach-free apartment!

Thank you for reading this rather long story. LOVE